Some Math

9dpo + highest temp I've ever had + falling asleep yesterday at 6pm + cramping + pregnancy test = crying

I know it's really, really early and there is still plenty of hope but I already feel like I'm out. Next cycle I am sticking to my guns regardless and not testing no matter what.

Random Day Again

- I'm starting to like running. I like what it is doing to my body even more. Goodbye thunder thighs! This is the first time in a long time that I've felt somewhat good about my body.
- I almost bought my first baby item. In fact, I would have bought it if they had the smallest size. It was a onesie that said "I don't floss". It made me lol right there in the store. There was another one that said "I can't read". I die.

 

- My body is still trying to trick me into being excited. I'm not falling for it this time.
- I love it when Henry snuggles with me.
- J is out this evening. I think I might eat out for dinner.
- J's dad is staying with us a few nights a week for a month. I hate having to put pants on when I get up in the morning. I hate that my usual routines get messed up in the morning and at night time, even if it's slight. I hate having to say good morning to someone else in the morning or making small talk when I don't want to. I'm irrationally annoyed that he uses the washcloth on the bathroom counter that is meant for wiping the mirrors after a shower or wiping water off the wood counter top to clean his face. Ugh, two more weeks.
- I have social anxiety and sometimes I think that I should look into how to deal with it but I don't.
- I feel like J and I are in a rut and I don't like it. We don't do anything anymore. We are trying to save money and every weekend is filled with house stuff. So we literally don't do anything fun. It make me cranky.
- I bought two neon tee shirts and I am obsessed with them.
- I'm starting to get really anxious about our upcoming camping trip. I'm not sure why I agreed to it. Sleeping in a tent does not sound fun.
- We are about to have a thunder storm roll through. I should get in the shower before it hits so that Henry doesn't go crazy but my legs are too tired to move.
- Humidity is the worst.

Not Doing This Again

No brain, just no. I am not going to get excited because I have been having strange cramps today and feeling sick to my stomach. I will not think that my need to cry every 5 seconds is anything more than my usual emotions. I definitely will not think that my ugly chart means that something is different from the last 8 cycles. My bloated belly today has nothing to do with pregnancy and everything to do with the cookies I ate. I do not need to take a test at 8dpo and I won't, for sure, get a positive test if I decide to test on 11dpo. I am probably not pregnant so brain, please stop making me feel hopeful!

Also, oatmeal raisin cookies are one of the best things of life.

Random Wednesday

- Just kidding, today is ovulation day. It feels like my ovary is exploding/falling out of my body. I just don't feel good.
- Henry has worms from the backyard which is contaminated from the previous dirtball owners. He is on meds to get them out of his system and now he has to go on a parasite control medication and we have to change his flea control. Ugh, I feel like a bad puppy mom even though this is totally not my fault. He is just excited that he gets a different kind of food to take his meds with for the next few days. (It is wet food that actually looks like food. His brain exploded when he tried it yesterday.)
- This. Is. Awesome:



- We finally got out to see Iron Man 3 last night. I like the 2nd one better but still have a secret love for Robert Downey Jr.
- I watched Marley and Me on the weekend. It is one of my favourite movies but I hadn't watched it since getting Henry. I cried hysterically when Marley was dying and then forced Henry to snuggle with me. Dogs are the best.
- We live in a somewhat high tornado risk area (high for the province). I'm scared that one day I'll experience a tornado. We are supposed to get strong thunderstorms today and I have already researched what I need to do if a tornado is approaching. However, I know that if there ever is a tornado I will forget everything and just cry.
- A few weeks ago a local man (and relative of J's coworker) was trying to sell his truck on an online buy and sell site. Two guys came to test drive the truck and the seller went with them for the ride. They never returned and his body was found burned about a week later on the accused farm property. This story has me horrified, especially because J has sold trucks on this site and has gone on test drives with people. He buys tons of stuff off this site too and all kinds of "what ifs" have been running through my head. It's scary how evil some people can be. The way we use  this site will change forever now because I just feel like we cannot be too careful when dealing with others.
- Cheese is so delicious
- My neighbour complains about her pregnancy a lot. I swear in my head at her pretty much every time I see her.
- I cannot get the dandelions in our backyard under control.
- If I was single, everything in my house would be bright colours and there would be a lot of polka dots.



It Is Time

By the way, "It is time" is probably one of the most quoted movie quotes in this house.

I think today is the day I wait for every month, ovulation day! I got a positive opk yesterday and I usually ovulate the next day. Our timing is great, as long as we get it on today (good thing J's dad is sleeping over...), I have lost a few pounds which is always a good thing, and I have lots of ewcm. Everything is looking good and although everything has been good for at least the last 7 of 9 cycles, I feel good about this cycle. I'm sure I'll be back to my usual hopelessness in a few days but right now for some reason I'm feeling good. I find myself thinking in my head that this is it. This time it will work. I guess we will see.

I feel like something was going on last cycle. I was 3 days late, high temps right up until the day my period started, no pms symptoms at all and then when my period did start I bled significantly more than I ever had before (with lots of huge clots. It was horrible and almost scary.) and had different feeling, intense cramps. I'm happy that I was too scared to test when I was late because now I just don't know if anything was happening and who knows, I may have saved myself from heartbreak. Ignorance is bliss.

We are banging it out

Well, it's that time again - sex marathon time. We've gotten a lot smarter when it comes to the sex marathon. We are finding it much easier to have a ton of sex if we get it on in the morning rather than the night time. We spent many cycles trying to force sex at the end of the day when we were both tired and just wanted to sleep and it was horrible and made this process worse than it needed to be. I feel bad for thinking of sex this way, but it is so nice to get it out of the way in the morning.

I feel like trying to get pregnant has ruined sex for us. I am so scared of missing my fertile days so we have sex at least every other day from the end of my period until I get crosshairs. That is a lot of sex and it is not always great sex. Once I have ovulated we are so worn out that we don't want to have sex anymore. Then unfortunately by the time we are ready to go again, my period starts. It's sad. I can't wait until sex isn't a chore anymore. But for now, I'm just really happy that that chore is already done for today!

Some Randoms

- We've started running a bunch of mornings a week and I feel great. It's amazing that I can already see a difference in my thunder thighs after about a week. I hope we can keep this up.
- On mornings that we don't run I've been taking Henry out for a long walk first thing in the morning. Best. Idea. Ever. The trail is so quiet in the morning. The air is fresh and there aren't as many bugs which is a huge bonus. It's perfect because now when I get home from work and tired I can just go in the backyard with him and let him run around to burn off some energy.
- We are getting Big Macs for dinner tonight because it is McHappy Day. Yay!

                            

- 2 fire drills in one day + 23 grade 4's = headache
- I love Old Navy's "Boy Friend Skinny Khakis". I have man calves and typical capri pants stop at the most manly part of my leg and it looks horrible. But these pants are slightly longer and look great and are still light enough for warmer weather. I want more.
- I'm already dreading the sex marathon that we have to start in a week or so.
- The warmer weather makes me happy.
- Henry has allergies. I have to clean his ears every morning and then put allergy drops in the every night. It seems to be working because they aren't itchy, red, or dischargy anymore but it's like an Olympic wrestling match to get the drops in his ears.
- I just hid in the kitchen, away from the windows, because I saw some Jehovah Witnesses walking down from the neighbours driveway. This is what I felt like:

I'm religious and I don't hate on them for what they do, I just really don't want to talk to anyone when I have a make up free face, fresh out of the shower hair, and wearing pajama pants. Actually, I just don't want to talk to anyone ever, regardless of how I look.

- Henry understands what I mean when I point.
- I don't even think about the possibility of getting pregnant anymore. That makes me sad for me.
- I have a short term job right now working afternoons right here in town. I know that I'm not making as much money as I would like to, but it is wonderful to have my mornings off and to work 5 minutes away from home.

- I have to start focusing on the good that I have in my life. I'm too focused on the bad and I don't like how it is effecting me.

Well Played Body, Well Played

Well, it's cycle. day. one. Ugh. I'm mad, sad, angry, and disappointed. I did learn a few things throughout this cycle though. I learned that if my temp stays up long past when it usually drops, I'm for sure not pregnant. I learned that if my period is 3 days late, I'm not pregnant. I learned that if I'm bloated enough to look pregnant for 6 days, I'm not pregnant. If I think I see a slight line, I'm definitely not pregnant. If I don't spot, I'm not pregnant. If I have a ton of symptoms that I can't make up, I'm not pregnant. I am not pregnant, again.

I was so sure that this was it. I tested one morning and fully expected to see a line. I knew I would, J was sure there would be a line and there wasn't, again. I took it hard and cried a lot. I'm really starting to doubt that we will be successful and it is breaking my heart.

I'm going to talk to my sister about things. She is a nurse and worked at a fertility clinic for years. I just want to know what my next steps will be when we hit the year mark. I don't know if getting this information will ease my mind or make me horribly scared. But I do know that from now on I am not going to get excited or even care about the most obvious symptoms and signs because there really is no point, they don't mean a thing. On to cycle 9.