Messing With My Head

I'm 7dpo and these phantom symptoms are killing me. Yesterday I had some really strange cramps that were not like my usual cramps. I am horribly bloated today and it hurts! I'm having bouts of nausea, woke up nauseous at 2:30 this morning and couldn't fall asleep again until about 5:15 (good thing I had to wake up at 6 this morning), backache, and headaches. I have lots of CM when I typically don't and one of the strangest things, my boobs don't hurt at all. By now they should hurt all the time, even when nothing is touching them. So sure, that could all be in my head, it always has been. But I can't make up my temps, which are still high with no dips.

After 8 months I try to ignore any symptoms and even what my chart looks like since I've only been disappointed so far. I try to assume that every cycle is a bust in hopes that it will be easier to take when my period starts (it never does make it easier). Ignoring symptoms has worked pretty well so far, in fact I went many cycles without even bothering to test but this cycle has my hopes up and that terrifies me. I'm so scared that I'm setting myself up for a huge heartache. I know not to let these symptoms go to my head and I know I'll feel so stupid when if my period starts in 5 days but I can't stop thinking that maybe this time things are different. I want this cycle to be different so bad. I've never prayed so hard and I feel like I really need this to work this time. My hope dwindles rapidly every failed cycle and I hate how this process is changing my personality. I just need some success. I'm going to test on Sunday, unless my temps drop, so I only have a few more days of this uncertainty. I have everything crossed and am praying for some good news.

On a side, passive aggressive note, last week my 31 week pregnant neighbour (who knows that we are trying just because she was sneaky, nosey and doesn't leave me alone) said "I'm so so disappointed. I really wanted you to be pregnant at the same time as me. It sucks you aren't yet" followed by a pouty face. Oh, I'm sorry that I disappointed you so much, how cruel of me. It must be so difficult for you to be pregnant without a neighbour who is going through the same thing. Life is so tough for you and by the way, I think I'll pass on your invitation to come over for a BBQ.