I'm still waiting to hear back from the clinic after my referral was sent in about 3 weeks ago. I'm wondering if they just don't want to see me yet since I am just shy of a year of trying but I would think that they would at least call me and not just ignore the referral. Without knowing how long the wait is to get an appointment, I was hoping that I would be able to book at date and assumed that it would be after the year mark. I am going to give them a call next week, right as we start our 12th cycle and are ever so close to the one year mark.
This morning as I was getting ready for our run, I sat there and just broke down. Why is this so hard? Why can't I do something that I am physically and genetically made to do? Why do I have to fight for everything that I want? When will it be my turn to be happy? I don't understand why this is happening to me.
I am a religious person. I grew up going to church every single week, and still do. Not only do we go to church every week, but J and I both serve in the church every week by teaching other peoples children. I have always lived my life in accordance to the standards of our church, even when I didn't really want to. We pray multiple times a day, we pray every day for a baby, every single day for the past year and still nothing. For the first time in my life, I can't help but roll my eyes when someone talks about how God answers prayers, or that God is mindful of my struggles, or that He will not give me a trial that I cannot handle and overcome, or even that He will comfort me when I need it. For the first time, I am mad at God. I feel alone and not very loved. I feel like I'm struggling with my faith and I'm not sure how to fix it. My natural reaction to figuring things out would be to pray about it but I am seriously lacking the faith that anything will come of any more pleas. I guess I'll just keep on keeping on for now.
It seems that there has been a lot of baby talk around me over the last few days. My neighbour is about to have a baby so my Facebook feed is always full of impatient complaints, declarations of how awesome it is to be a mother, complaints about how awful being 9 months pregnant is, etc. There's also a few people on my Facebook that have a kid and talk about when they will have another. "I'm going to do some stupid activity that I foolishly think everyone on my Facebook cares about on this date, so I guess I will have to wait until the next month to have another baby". Or "We are going to have 7 kids! Better get going on our next baby!" and what drives me nuts is that it will probably work out that way for them. They want to have a baby so...novel idea here....they have a baby! Why won't that work for me? Maybe I need to post on Facebook about the inner workings of my uterus. Maybe they are on to something here. Maybe over sharing, and being self absorbed and immature is the cure to all infertility.
I learned through my sister in law that a girl from church is dealing with infertility and is actually getting treatment from the same clinic I'm wanting to go to. She has been at it for quite a bit longer than we have, as many unfortunately are, and my heart just breaks for her. We are a few weeks away from the year mark, we don't know what the problem is yet, we still have hope that with treatment we will get our baby. I cannot even express how sorry I am for people who even with treatment and procedures still struggle. If I feel as terrible and scared as I do at this point in our journey, I can't imagine how people who are dealing with so much more feel.
Ok, I feel a little bit better. And even though I had an awesome run this morning, I'm loving the weight loss and the shape my body is taking, and I'm not missing evening snacks
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