Messing With My Head

I'm 7dpo and these phantom symptoms are killing me. Yesterday I had some really strange cramps that were not like my usual cramps. I am horribly bloated today and it hurts! I'm having bouts of nausea, woke up nauseous at 2:30 this morning and couldn't fall asleep again until about 5:15 (good thing I had to wake up at 6 this morning), backache, and headaches. I have lots of CM when I typically don't and one of the strangest things, my boobs don't hurt at all. By now they should hurt all the time, even when nothing is touching them. So sure, that could all be in my head, it always has been. But I can't make up my temps, which are still high with no dips.

After 8 months I try to ignore any symptoms and even what my chart looks like since I've only been disappointed so far. I try to assume that every cycle is a bust in hopes that it will be easier to take when my period starts (it never does make it easier). Ignoring symptoms has worked pretty well so far, in fact I went many cycles without even bothering to test but this cycle has my hopes up and that terrifies me. I'm so scared that I'm setting myself up for a huge heartache. I know not to let these symptoms go to my head and I know I'll feel so stupid when if my period starts in 5 days but I can't stop thinking that maybe this time things are different. I want this cycle to be different so bad. I've never prayed so hard and I feel like I really need this to work this time. My hope dwindles rapidly every failed cycle and I hate how this process is changing my personality. I just need some success. I'm going to test on Sunday, unless my temps drop, so I only have a few more days of this uncertainty. I have everything crossed and am praying for some good news.

On a side, passive aggressive note, last week my 31 week pregnant neighbour (who knows that we are trying just because she was sneaky, nosey and doesn't leave me alone) said "I'm so so disappointed. I really wanted you to be pregnant at the same time as me. It sucks you aren't yet" followed by a pouty face. Oh, I'm sorry that I disappointed you so much, how cruel of me. It must be so difficult for you to be pregnant without a neighbour who is going through the same thing. Life is so tough for you and by the way, I think I'll pass on your invitation to come over for a BBQ.

Dear Cycle 8

Alright cycle 8, lets make it happen this time. We did everything that we needed to do to make this work. We had sex 11 time in 15 days to make sure our timing was perfect, I'm eating pineapple core like it's my job, I drank water non stop (and of course peed non stop because of it), I've kept up on my workouts, I've prayed and prayed and prayed for success this month, I've even tilted my hips up. That sounds like a good recipe for a baby. Please don't make me have a breakdown in a weeks time.

Ugh

I just don't feel good. I've been battling a lingering cold for about three weeks. It never got really bad but I've been waking up to a head/neck ache and sinus pain every day. It's made it difficult to open my eyes every morning and get my day started. I've had swollen glands on and off too which isn't fun. I've never liked taking pain relievers or medication but I especially don't like taking things while trying to get pregnant so I haven't really taken anything to help the pain. I realise that I'm probably just being crazy but I can't help it.

I'm still waiting to ovulate, hopefully that happens in the next few days. I'm on track to ovulate later than I have since I started temping, unless I'm surprised with a positive opk this afternoon. Based on my opk on Saturday I thought I would ovulate today or tomorrow but it was just a tease. My fingers are crossed that it happens soon because I'm just ready to move on. I really hate the waiting and unknown with this phase of my cycle. I've started to o later and later over the last few months and every time I worry that I might not ovulate at all.

The weekend went by way to fast and we didn't do anything other than work on the house and clean. I cleaned so thoroughly that I even put J's iPhone through the washing machine. I don't think I've ever been more horrified than when I pulled the phone out of his pants pocket after an hour long wash cycle. J didn't freak out as much as I thought he would, or at all really. He really is the best husband. He had every right to freak out but instead he hugged me as I cried and told me that it was just a mistake. He said that there's nothing we could do about it now but I think he was secretly happy that I was the stupid one this time, not him. The whole situation drives me crazy because it was just to weird how it happened. We both did weird things that we wouldn't normally do and didn't do things that we usually do and would have saved the phone. It was as if it was meant to happen, especially because I earned the amount of money to pay for the replacement on Friday through an unexpected snow day (I didn't have to work so essentially was given free money).  Turns out Apple has great service and will replace the phone for a much cheaper price than the regular price of a new phone. While we obviously would have liked to keep that money in our own pockets, it is much better than the $500+ that we thought we would have to pay originally.

I'm just cranky today and want the day to be over already. I'm hoping that a nice walk in the beautiful weather with my perfect puppy, bbqing dinner, a positive opk (I hope) and eating something yummy for lunch will lift my spirits a little bit.

A Few Things

There's a few things in my head today
- I wish supply teaching was more consistent. I'd really prefer to work every day.
- I'm looking forward to a long shower today.
- My puppy doesn't smell like a puppy any more, he smells like a dog.
- I eat more cheese than I should.
- I'm really excited to pee on an OPK today.
- I live a very exciting life.
- My hummus addiction has come back.
- I need a cuddle.
- I want to start wearing sandals exclusively now until October but we are getting an ice storm right now.
- I'm in love with my new kitchen and it isn't even finished yet.
- I love bread.
- J is very patient.
- I need to buy new summer shirts. All I really have is plain cotton tee shirts.
- This picture makes me laugh, a lot. It is totally Henry.

- I hate crunchy peanut butter.

I'd like to get pregnant this cycle

My least favourite part of my cycle is coming to an end, hopefully. I hate waiting to ovulate. It's just so boring. It used to be better, but now that I'm really tired of baby making sex, it's not so fun anymore. I feel stressed from the time my period ends until I get crosshairs. I worry about our timing. I always think that I am going to ovulate way early or something and totally miss my fertile days. I'm always scared that I will mess up the only thing I have control of in this whole process. Hopefully I will ovulate by the weekend and then start to make up some pregnancy symptoms.

I'm starting to not be hopeful for my cycles anymore. At the start of every cycle I used to calculate when my approximate due date would be, when I would be able to tell our families, how pregnant I would be for upcoming events and so on. Now, I don't even think about any of that because I feel like it won't pan out. Why try to calculate things for no reason? Now instead of thinking "This might be it" all I can think is "Why would this be it?". I try to be positive but it's hard to be positive when nothing positive has happened over the last 8 cycles. Ugh, I guess I just have to keep on keeping on.

The Guy That I Love

I have an excellent husband. He was my first boyfriend and I honestly thought that we would be together over the summer and then go our separate ways once I moved away for school. But things moved faster than I thought they would. In fact, by our second date he was already talking about "our kids" (that was a total slip of the tongue followed by him saying "Did I just say Our Kids?" followed by much embarrassment"). He ended up moving to the same city I moved to and we have been inseparable ever since. We got engaged just before our 2nd anniversary, married a year and a half later, and are now approaching our 2nd wedding anniversary. He is an amazing man.

He is literally good at everything (except cutting glass, as we have learned through our extensive home renovations). If he wants to figure something out, or wants to do something, he just does it and does it successfully, every. single. time. He is an extremely talented woodworker and is making our new house beautiful right at this very moment.

He knows how to deal with my crazy. I am a ball of anxiety, self doubt, low self esteem, worry, and emotion. He knows what he needs to do to defuse an issue, a crying breakdown, or a cranky mood. He knows what I need to hear and when he needs to say it. More importantly, he knows what I don't need to hear. This has been especially awesome as we have been trying to get pregnant. I'm a wreck throughout this process because I want need it so badly. He has been supportive, positive, and realistic when I haven't been. He listens to me as I talk about OPKs, my temperature, and how my symptoms are "so different and real this month!". I'm sure he doesn't care to see the stick I just peed on, or hear my temping alarm go off at 6am every morning while he is trying to sleep, but he never complains because he knows how important this process is to me.

He says that he is sorry. He makes mistakes in our relationship (so do I!) and he has no problem admitting that he is in the wrong and he makes it right. He never lets things linger, or pushes issues away. He deals with them head on even when it sucks. He is so committed to our marriage and won't let anything harm it.

He makes me laugh all the time, literally, all the time. He has a silliness about him that is just hilarious and fun. He isn't at all worried about what other people think about him, which results in some pretty awesome public displays of hilarity. One day he will make me pee my pants from laughing so hard.

There are a million more reasons why he is amazing, but I think I will save them for another day (when I can't think of anything else to write about). And now, I will eat pizza.

What's In A Name?

First of all this is what is happening beside me right now:

I love him

I'm not terribly creative so coming up with a blog name was tricky. I'm still not sure what this blog will become, but I knew that I didn't want it to be strictly dedicated to what was happening in my uterus so there went all of the baby related titles. I tried to think of saying that represent me as a person but, since I am extremely boring, nothing came to mind. So next up, what would represent J and I together, and our hopefully growing family and that is where "And Love Like Crazy" came from.

When J bought his first pick up truck in years he very proudly announced to me that he was going to start listening to country music because "It just feels right" now that he has a big "hoosier" truck. This led me to my love of country music. While there is lots of terrible country, there is lots of beautiful country music. About a year before our wedding J came across one of those beautiful country songs that he thought we could use somewhere in our wedding. He played it for me in the kitchen of his apartment one day and I cried my eyes out. The song is Love Like Crazy by Lee Brice. It is about a couple as they go through their life together and make things work year after year. Super cheesy right? The chorus of the song is what gets me every single time. It says

Be a best friend

Tell the truth

Overuse I love you

Go to work

Do your best

Don't outsmart your common sense

Never let your praying knees get lazy

And love like crazy

Those simple statements have become somewhat of a motto for our marriage. So much so that I painted a sign with those words that will be hung above our bed (as soon as J gets around to taking it to the shop to clear coat it).

I think it is pretty complete advice for a marriage. In fact, I think the only thing I would add to that list is "Give your wife a back rub every day". Lee Brice, I think I see a rewrite in the future.



I started a blog!

I was scared that I would get to this point. The point that we've been trying for a baby long enough that I need another outlet, besides J (my husband), for my thoughts and frustrations. After the first few months of trying I thought that we would get pregnant any time now and I wouldn't keep up with a blog and wouldn't need to write anything so I didn't bother making one. Now, as we start our 8th cycle, I think I'm starting to wear J down with my baby talk, symptom examining, and ugly crying breakdowns. So I hope that I'm able to keep up with writing, that it becomes therapeutic for me, and that it doesn't become too depressing.

Ever since I knew that infertility was a thing I have been terrified that I would have trouble getting pregnant, not because I knew of any preexisting medical problems, just because I worry about everything. Thankfully we still have a number of months before we hit the year mark. So, for now that scary infertility word is far away from me but month after month of BFNs and not knowing what is ahead of us is scary too. I am trying to take it easy for the rest of this journey, trying to remember that we are doing everything that we need to be doing at this point and then hoping for the best. My fingers are crossed that this blog can start to become a "life and pregnancy" blog rather than a "life and trying to get pregnant" blog very soon!