10 Weeks plus some...

Ok, I'm really sucking at this. I will get better, maybe. 

How far along: 10 weeks 5 days

Total Weight Gain/Loss: Who steps on a scale willingly?

Maternity clothes: Nope

Stretch marks: none

Sleep: Still exhausted and sleeping like it's my job, other than having to get up and pee. 

Best moment last week: Henry has started to curl up right next to my stomach in the morning for snuggles. The first time he needed to have his head right where the baby is. Even if I moved, he would adjust himself so that his head was right there. It was so sweet and cute and I love morning snuggles with my first baby. Coincidence? Probably. But I'll tell myself that he knows something is going on in there. 

Movement: Lots of gas movement. 

Food cravings/aversions: Just an aversion to how the fridge smells. Yuck. 

Other symptoms: I threw up this week for the first time. It happened in the morning, when I got a whiff of the fridge. I'm thrilled that I don't do that every day. I had a brutal headache/almost migraine on Wednesday night/Thursday morning too. I thought I could sleep the headache off since I don't really want to take pain meds right now. It didn't work and I won't try that again. 

Gender: Girl?

Labor signs: nope

Belly button - in or out? In, of course

What I miss: Ummm, nothing. I'm good.

What I am looking forward to: Going public this week. 

Milestones: I am for sure able to feel my uterus now. The bump is not visible but I can feel it. So can J. It's there and I can tell it is growing. It's cool to feel and know that our baby is in there. 

9 Weeks

How far along: 9 weeks

Total Weight Gain/Loss: Probably 38 pounds of water weight

Maternity clothes: Nope

Stretch marks: none

Sleep: I'm so tired all the time. I have zero energy and I sleep like it's my job.

Best moment last week: Ultrasound! It's insane how much baby had grown in two weeks. The heartbeat was strong and beautiful (174) and everything looks great. 

Movement: Nope

Food cravings/aversions: Nothing specific. 

Other symptoms: the tiny bit of nausea has seems to disappear. My boobs are killing me, I'm so tired, and the bloating is unreal. I'm not liking looking fat all the time. I can't wait until I have a real bump!

Gender: Girl

Labor signs: nope

Belly button - in or out? In, of course

What I miss: Ummm, nothing. I'm good.

What I am looking forward to: A real bump!

Milestones:  baby is a fetus now! Yay

8 Weeks

Oh yeah, I forgot that I write a blog....

How far along: 8 weeks

Total Weight Gain/Loss: No change

Maternity clothes: I bought a top this week, don't need to wear it yet though.

Stretch marks: nope

Sleep: I'm so exhausted and am sleeping like a rock.

Best moment last week: Still being pregnant!

Movement: Nope

Food cravings/aversions: Nothing specific. I couldn't taste bacon the other day which was weird, and sad. 

Other symptoms: I started to get a bit of nausea this week. It's not terrible but still yucky. I feel so sad for people who have bad morning sickness, it must be brutal. I'm exhausted and bloated too.

Gender: Girl

Labor signs: nope

Belly button - in or out? In, of course

What I miss: Not being exhausted all. the. time.

What I am looking forward to: My appointment with my midwife on Tuesday.

Milestones:  still being pregnant!

Week 7

How far along: 7 weeks

Total Weight Gain/Loss: No change

Maternity clothes: nope but I am stocked up with gift cards from my birthday to buy whatever I need to buy when the time comes. 

Stretch marks: nope

Sleep: I'm sleeping really well, usually right through the night. I am starting to get some pretty realistic dreams now though, including one about a tornado that left me scared to death. 

Best moment last week: Seeing our tiny little baby for the first time. Although the baby really doesn't look like much at all, it is our baby, we made it, and I adore it. We saw the tiny flickering heartbeat and I at that moment it clued in to me that this is happening for real and I am going to be a mom. I cried. 

Movement: Nope

Food cravings/aversions: Nothing really. The idea of food isn't very appealing but I have no problem when I actually eat. 

Other symptoms: I am tired. Even when I wake up after a full nights sleep, I am tired. My boobs are killing me. They are more than just sore, they feel almost crampy. It's weird. I've also had a few episodes of a shooting pain on my lower right side. I don't like it!

Gender: No guesses yet

Labor signs: no

Belly button - in or out? In, of course

What I miss: Nothing really, life is pretty much normal. 

What I am looking forward to: My next ultrasound on the 24th, telling my grandma about the little one, eating the piece of pie that is in our fridge right now. 

Milestones: The heartbeat. I love that heartbeat. 

6 weeks

Since this blog serves mostly as a journal for myself, since I don't think anyone actually keeps up with this, I want to document as much as I can so I have something to look back on through this important part of my life. I've tried writing in a journal before but haven't ever been able to keep up with it. I've had a lot more success with an online format. So althought I have a lot of other things to update (like the awesome reactions our families had to the news), today's post is the start of my weekly pregnancy progression questions. Hopefully I will remember to answer these questions every Monday throughout the next 8 months.

How far along: 6 weeks

Total Weight Gain/Loss: Who knows! I have been eating a lot better over the last 2 weeks and aside from my bloated tummy, I feel like I've lost weight because of my new eating habits.

Maternity clothes: Nope. Since I haven't started working yet, I haven't had to wear real clothes yet (things without elastic waist bands) but I think when I do I will have trouble doing things up because I'm so bloated.

Stretch marks: nope

Sleep: More often than not I have to pee in the middle of the night and then can't get back to sleep for a few hours. Sometimes I sleep right through the night though, like last night. Yay!

Best moment last week: Since I'm still basking in the excitement of being pregnant, everything was the best last week. I'm really, really, very happy.

Movement: Not for a while.

Food cravings/aversions: Craving savoury foods. I love red onions. Don't really have any aversions.

Gender: No guesses yet

Labor signs: Umm no, not so much

Belly button - in or out? Very much in

What I miss: Sleeping through the night.

What I am looking forward to: Ultrasound tomorrow! I really want to see that heartbeat.

Milestones: Morning sickness has started. 

Wow

Ok, so this happened:

Yeah, it did. For real. 

I'm pregnant. I am pregnant. 

Last Monday, the 26th, my period was one day late. That is pretty rare for me. If my LP is different, it is shorter, not longer. I was slightly excited about this when I woke up that morning and saw that my period didn't start over night. I asked J if he thought I should test, since I was scared to but interested to see what would happen. He said "Let's see what happens today and test tomorrow morning if you haven't started yet." I was happy with that. 

I went through my day and couldn't help but notice that I didn't feel like I usually do right before my period starts. It felt similar, but not exact. I was getting excited, really excited. I called J to share my excitement. He started to feel it too. About an hour before I was to head out to meet my mom and sibling's families for a drive in movie night, I started spotting. It was out of the blue and instantly broke my heart. The spotting was my normal pre-red flow spotting, brown, yucky, a decent amount, and left a hopeless feeling I've felt many times before. I called J in tears. I could hear the disappointment in his voice. We hugged and cried when he got home. He told me how tired he was, how exhausting this process is. It broke my heart all over again. 

While I was at the movie, my sister (and everyone else) knew that I was unhappy. She always knows where I am in my cycle since I have confided in her a lot and knew why I was upset. We talked, I cried, and she told me what our next steps might be. After talking, I started to move past it. I started to look forward to our follow up RE appointment on Thursday and was looking forward to knowing our plan of action. Before leaving the theatre, I went to the bathroom. My no more spotting. Great, I thought, I can't even count today as cycle day one. I hate my body. 

I woke up Tuesday morning and to my surprise, I had no red flow. I didn't even have any spotting. Before I even peed, I stuck my head out the bathroom door and told J that nothing was happening yet. He was putting his work shoes on and said "Why don't you just test just so we can get it out of our heads". I told him that I really didn't want to be the crazy girl who thinks she's pregnant even though her period started. But I knew that I would drive myself crazy thinking about testing if I didn't bleed for the rest of the day. 

I grabbed my cheap dollar store test and got my trusty pee cup out. I watched the stick absorb, just like I did many times before. But, as I watched, I thought I saw something start to develop. I walked, ok, ran out of the bathroom to J who was packing his lunch in the kitchen. I told him that I thought "something might be starting to develop on there!". We waited a few minutes then decided to check it together. Just before we walked in I said "There is probably nothing there, lets not be disappointed". We took a glance and sure enough, there was a line. I picked it up and my hands were shaking so much that I couldn't even see the line anymore. Once I stabilized myself we saw our clear, beautiful line. I shouted "There's a line! That's a line! I'm pregnant!". We hugged and I hysterically cried. We looked back at the test and J had a closer look. The line was clear but light. J wasn't completely convinced. I ran to get the FRER I had been saving and dipped it in. We watched it develop and the test line and control line started developing at the same time and the test line ended up being just about as dark as the control. J believed it then. He then texted his boss, who knew we were having trouble "B is pregnant!!! I'm going to be late!". We then quickly made a plan of what to do next. I was supposed to hang out with my mom all day and couldn't hide this incredible news from her (more on our announcements later). J sped off to work, I called my RE ("Hi, I just got 2 positive pregnancy tests. What do I do next?!"), then got ready. I sped off to pick J up from the shop and off we went to announce our pregnancy. 

We couldn't believe it. We did it. After 13 cycles, we did it. I am pregnant. 

What I Learned On My First Camping Trip

It is actually fun

The vacations I've always taken have been much different than camping. I am typically always on the go on vacation. I HAVE to go swimming, we HAVE to get up early and walk on the beach, lets go walk along the pier, we must not spend any time just sitting around the condo, lets go, go, go. Well, camping wasn't like that. Camping was about sleeping in, napping in the tent, reading on the dock, playing cards, etc. It was laid back and relaxing. I told J that we need more of that in our lives. We need to just sit and listen to nature, and be unplugged more often. Hanging out was fun, hiking was fun, swimming was fun, making the site our home was fun, everything we did was way more fun than I was expecting and I liked it.

I am afraid of night time

J was face to face with a bear at this exact spot 10 years ago. 

Upon checking in at the front office we were given a pamphlet about the wildlife that can be found within the park. I learned all about bears, cougars, wolves,coyotes, and rattlesnakes and what we needed to do to protect ourselves from them. Hey here's a good idea, lets go way out in the bush that is infested with scary animals and sleep in a thin nylon room. I did pretty well dealing with the idea of living with blood thirsty animals through the day. I did watch my feet every step I took as we were hiking because I just knew I would have an encounter with a rattlesnake. I was however, very anxious at night time. J told me that it would be very likely that we would have raccoons wandering onto our site at night while we were hanging out. He also made sure that I knew what to do if we saw a bear wandering around. Now J doesn't worry about very much, so when he shows any amount of concern, even if it is as simple as being prepared for a situation, my anxiety level shoots up. If he is worried about something then I need to be a million times more worried. I survived the first night, but didn't sleep well at all. I was scared by every sound I heard, even though most of the noises came from Henry. The second night was much better. But, the third night was windy, very windy. Every sound was a bear about to bite half of my head off, but I survived. We didn't see any wildlife other than squirrels, birds, and two non-rattlesnake snakes.

Camping changes puppies into dogs

Ah, that little face.

Last year we headed up to the same area for a day. Henry was about 4 months old at the time and dealing with him was horrible. He hates swimming, hated it. He acted like we were trying to kill him when we brought him close to the water. It was brutal. Before we went camping he wasn't the best on his leash, He still pulled, and tried to jump on anyone with in a 10 foot radius. Since he is still just a pup, I never dreamed of him being able to function off leash in public without running away, never to be seen again. He had random bursts of trying to eat rocks and he hated being on his tie down because he couldn't do whatever he wanted to do and he was always, always getting tangled up.

And then we went camping. All of a sudden, the guy couldn't get enough of swimming. Even when I could tell he was tried he still needed to be in that water. He was fearless and loving his life. He swam off leash. This crazy puppy was off leash in public and he didn't run away. I didn't think that was possible. He walked like a normal dog, even when surrounded by tons of people and other dogs. People kept stopping us to say hello to him and tell me how well behaved he is. That has never happened before. He didn't try to eat rocks, or anything else for that matter. He walked for a few hours with us on a long, hot hike without whining. He didn't even bark like crazy at the strange sounds he was hearing through the night (other than the first night before we settled into the tent). I was anxious about bringing him along with us. I was thinking that he would be really difficult to deal with and that we would regret bringing him because he would require so much attention and cause so many problems. Boy was I wrong. It was so much fun having him with us and I would be so sad if we didn't get to experience all that we did with him. All of these behaviours have also translated to better behaviour at home. Our walks are so much more enjoyable when I don't dread seeing other people approach us on the trail because Henry would freak out. He is a dog now.

Ontario is stunningly beautiful

Ok, I knew this one already because we have been to this area many times. It is amazing up there and I feel really lucky that we live about 2.5 hours away.

Vacations do wonders for forgetting about infertility

We started a new tradition. About 2 years ago J and I took a picture just like this in this same spot. We decided that when we have a new member of our family, furry or otherwise, we will retake this picture. Hopefully next year we will get to retake this picture again.

We left for our adventure at 4dpo and I didn't temp while we were away. It was glorious. I didn't think about it at all. For the first time in a long time I felt completely normal. I felt like I did a year ago before we started trying. I didn't think about our impending RE appointment, I didn't think about pregnancy symptoms, I wasn't depressed by my inability to achieve the most important goal I have in my life. I was me again and I was happy. And then we got home and life came back.

We have to be better organized

Thank goodness for headlights and free hands. 

Camping is a lot of work. There is so much to bring along to make sure that we are fully comfortable. And trying to make a full meal, outside, using a propane stove and fire in the dark is difficult. We didn't plan our time as well as we could have and all of our stuff needed to be better sorted. We spent a lot of time looking for stuff and a lot of frustrations came from that. As much as I liked camping I would have liked it so much more if it wasn't so difficult to function when trying to do anything.

I am obsessed with covering Henry with blankets

It was cold, really cold. He is cute, really cute.
 

Randoms

- I haven't cried today. Success!
- it's really nice to have hope again. I'm nervous about getting test results back but I'm feeling pretty good.
- Henry turned into a different dog while we were camping and it is glorious. More to come when I finally get around to writing my post camping post.
- I have tried to write in a journal a few times but could never keep up with it. I wonder why I can keep up with this blog but not a handwritten journal.
- I kept falling asleep in the movie theatre last night. Clearly I am way too old for a 9:40pm movie.
- Back to school commercials when there is still a month of summer vacation to go? Really?
- this morning I thought back to last year at this time when we first started trying. We were so excited and we thought I would be pregnant by 3 months. And here we are, scared and unsure. It's sad.
- I'm "eating the crap" out of the cheesecake J's dad bought for his birthday yesterday. Cheesecake is perfect.
- I'm not doing anything for the rest of the day. Why? I'm having a brutal CD2, I've had 15 massive tubes of blood taken since yesterday morning and my arm is bruised, it's raining, it's summer vacation, I haven't slept well all week, and I'm a grown up and I do what I want.
- Henry farted the other day and it made a sound, which usually doesn't happen. He turned, looked at his butt and just started at it with this very unsure look on his face. I laughed so hard, it killed me.
- I secretly hope my computer breaks down soon. I want something new and exciting.
- I've always said that when my hair starts to go grey I will dye it a deep red colour. I've found 2 in the past 6 months so I'm started to feel like that is enough and I should go and get it coloured. I'm impatient.

The First One Is Done

Well our first appointment is done. I was so anxious about it, I didn't sleep well and I cried, oh man did I ever cry. I do however feel much better at the moment. The doctor and nurse were both great and made me feel at ease. I had a quick pelvic exam done and the doc ordered a ton of blood work. Since my period is due any second I will head back there in a few days for CD3 blood work. I will bring in J's sample for his SA at the same time. I will also have an HSG done this cycle. I'm excited that things are moving right away. I hate the thought of waiting a moment longer. I feel like we have some hope again and hope it continues once test results start rolling in. For the first time in months I'm feeling like maybe one day we will have our baby. Someday. So I'm excited to get moving and am crossing my fingers that we aren't knocked over with some nasty test results!

I Am Scared

We are camping for the next 3 days and I'm trying to pretend that I am not horrified. This will be the first time I've been camping since I was about 2 years old. I have an overwhelming hate for bugs, I don't sleep well if I'm not in my own bed, the national park has a bear population (J was face to face with a bear when he camped here years ago), and I'm scared of everything. Camping is not the best match for me. I must really love that outdoorsy, camping fanatic husband of mine. 

Maybe I'm Having Dozentuplets

So yesterday I had horrible ovulation pains. Horrible. Every time I moved it felt like my ovary was about to fall out. I was so sore. Then this morning my temp was really high for 1dpo. I'm usually a slow riser and don't hit the temp I got this morning until about 3 dpo. So in my crazy head that has to mean something. It has to mean that I had a really strong ovulation. My egg was fertilized as soon as it popped out. I am a scientific miracle and it has already implanted. Or I popped out 12 eggs and every single one was fertilized and I am well on my way to having dozentuplets. We need a bigger house. 

Random Wednesday

- I am watching The Price Is Right for the first time in years right now. It just happens that all contestants on this episode are pregnant. It made me pout 

- we don't have central air. We do have 3 window units though, however most of our windows do not work well with window units. So J, being J, came up with a solution. He put the window unit into our spare room, sealed it and did something with the vents that allowed the cool ac air to be sucked in and then distributed throughout the house via the furnace fan. It works incredibly well and I love him and his crazy brain. 

- J took my car to work today and I don't want to drive his truck so I am stuck at home with Henry all day. He is still recovering from his ball chop so I can't go out and play with him and he's still on meds that make him too sleepy to play with so, I will be watching movies all day long and eating lots of crap. 

- I think I am ovulating today. I am at the point that we still try, obviously, but I know that we will likely not be successful even with our wonderful timing. Although I'd be lying if a little part of me didn't think that maybe, just maybe I might be surprised this time. 

- we are leaving for our camping trip in a few days and we have done nothing to prepare for it yet. That's making me anxious. 

- it's been so hot over the last few days. Henry sits in front of the fridge every single time I open it and he refuses to move. 

- we didn't run this morning because we needed to have sex since I'm pretty sure it's o day. Oh well

- buttery popcorn is so amazing. 

- I held my neighbours brand new baby the other day. I really want one of those. 

- I am really starting to think about adopting another dog. I want a friend for Henry and I am so in love with dogs. We would get a smaller dog because Henry adores me and is always all over me and I couldn't handle two big dogs being in my space all the time. I think we will wait for now until we get a plan for our baby journey but I see another dog in our somewhat near future. And now I am going to look at the humane society website to see what little faces are begging me to go pick them up today. 

You're Welcome Bob Barker

Henry was neutered last week. I dropped him off at the vet Monday morning and didn't get him back until Tuesday morning. I can't believe how weird it was not having him for 24 hours. I missed him, probably more than I should have. I love that dog. 

The poor thing couldn't even control himself when I got to the bet to pick him up. He wanted to be as close to me as possible but I could tell he was sore when he moved. We got home and he check the house out, making sure we kept everything running around the house while he was gone. He broke my heart as he was trying to settle and sleep. He kept whining and trying to find a comfortable spot then got fed up and sat beside me and just howled. Once I was able to give him his dose of pain meds he settled and hasn't appeared to be in any more pain. He has done a lot better than I thought he would with wearing his cone. He just gets frustrated that he is always getting it stuck on things. He also misses sleeping beside my side of the bed, since he can't fit on my side with his cone. I'm happy he hasn't had any complications with his surgery since it was such a worry for be to let my baby go through that. 

I made sure he had some new balls to come home to. 

2 Years

2 years ago today I married the love of my life. It was a wonderful day.  

The weather was perfect, maybe a tiny bit hot for a very heavy wedding dress, but I couldn't have asked for a more beautiful, clear sky. Pretty much all of the days events ran smoothly, without any problems. In fact, the events were only about 8 minutes behind schedule throughout the day. Not bad, I was pretty proud of my planning skills. We got so many compliments about aspects of our day. People loved the food, the decorations, the flowers, dresses and suits, and all of the personal touches. I had a lot of people tell me that our ceremony and personalized vows were the best they've seen. We were able to turn non criers into blubbering babies. My mom still tears up when we talk about the special tribute I planned for her. After the father daughter and mother son dances, I had the DJ call my mom onto the dance floors. As she was standing there confused, In My Daughters Eyes started playing and I joined her on the dance floor for a mother daughter dance. She is one of my best friends, and was a huge, HUGE help as I planned my wedding day so she definitely needed something special on that day. About half way through the song, all of the other mothers and daughter were invited onto the dance floor to dance together as well. The dance floor filled up and the room was filled with love for all of our wonderful mothers. That was definitely one of the best moments of the day.

Another wonderful moment was just before I saw J for the first time. We did a "first look" before our ceremony and I loved it. J and our families were down in a beautiful area complete with fountains, trees, and flowers. My girls and I were just about to turn the corner that would allow J to see me in all of my wedding dress glory for the first time. I remember that I had to stop, right before I turned the corner to catch my breath (and of course, cry). I knew that I was just seconds away from starting a brand new life. It was such a powerful moment and I will always remember it. As soon as I did turn that last corner, J could not take his eyes off of me. His eyes were glued to me as if he was in awe. It was adorable.

I could go on and on about the amazingness of that day, like when I read the card he had written to me, standing in our empty, quiet reception room before any of the craziness of the day started, or my dads hilarious speech, my moms beautiful slideshow, the guests reactions to our bridal party entrance song, speeding away at the end of the night in J's big truck, or the amazing feeling of leaving for our honeymoon. But, I think I've come to learn that as amazing as that perfect day was, our life together and our marriage now is what is really important today. I can honestly say that I love him more today than I did exactly 2 years ago. We have an amazing marriage and I have the most wonderful husband. He loves me so much and he is so patient with me, even when it must be really hard to have patience. He makes me laugh every single day, even when I don't want to. He is the best source of comfort for me, especially as we go through this uncertain journey of trying to get pregnant. I love that I can totally and completely trust him with everything, that I can rely on him, and that I can be honest with him. Although he is not perfect (I mean seriously, who forgets about Valentine's Day?!) I would not change a single thing about him. I adore everything that makes him him. He is my best friend and one of the most amazing men that I know. Everyone that knows him should feel lucky that they have someone like him in their lives.

We have come a long way in the last 2 years. Our relationship is stronger, our love has grown, we have accomplished goals together, and took on trials together. Although I hope our next year of marriage will be a little easier in regards to trials and that we will finally have a new addition to our family, I am really proud of us for weathering all of the storms that seem to always head our way.

Random Wednesday

- We have our first clinic appointment on July 29th. I'm scared but happy that something is going to happen now. I don't feel stuck anymore. 

- We are about to get a crazy thunderstorm. It has been rumbling for the last 45 minutes and the clouds are only above us now. 

- we had a fabulous weekend away. Lots of swimming and boating. It was wonderful. 

- I missed the Henners so much while we were gone. He missed me too. He was anxious while I was gone and could not get enough of me when I got home. I love that guy. 

- all I want to do us eat unhealthy foods right now. 

- J is not home until about 10 tonight. I miss him. 

- I have cried a lot over the last 2 days. Thanks cd1. 

- We are going to my cousins wedding on Saturday and I have no idea what to do with my hair or what shoes to wear. Looks like I need to go shopping. 

This Again

It's cycle day 1 again. I feel horrible and I'm sad, again. 

We had a referral sent in to a clinic 3 weeks ago hoping that we could book an appointment so that once we hit a year we won't have to wait 2 more months to be seen. Well, the clinic never got the referral. So now I am waiting to hear back from them after my doctor resends the referral. I feel like everything that can go wrong will go wrong in our attempts to have a baby. I haven't even had any testing yet and I'm already dreading the results. This sucks. 

Wednesday Randoms On Friday

- My smoothies have tasted really yucky over the last few days. What's the deal taste buds?
- We are heading north for the weekend with my sister, brother in law, and her friend. I'm mostly excited to go but I'm seriously dreading leaving my Henners. Here's the thing, we are leaving Saturday afternoon and coming home Monday evening. That is not a long time away from him at all and it bothered me so much that I couldn't fall asleep the other night. I. Am. Nuts.
- I laughed at this until I was in tears last night. It is so J.

- School's out for summer!
- My other sister, brother in law and their two little boys are camping in our backyard this weekend which I think is really cute. We have a pretty large backyard, a fire pit, lots of trees behind us, and live in a little country town. So it does seem like a camping spot and I can definitely see that happening with our future kids, if they will ever exist.
- Please, please, please don't start my period over the weekend Body, PLEASE! Let me enjoy swimming!
- I love a freshly cut lawn.
- I have a weird lady parts ache that is frighteningly similar to what I felt when I had a kidney stone a few years ago. I dislike that.
- I woke up at 3:00am this morning and couldn't get back to sleep. I finally started to slip back into sleep around 6am, just as J woke up to workout and in doing so he turned on the light in the bedroom,  tossed weights around in the basement, and did his classic weight lifting grunts. Great, thanks. To top it all off a thunder storm rolled through so this little face jumped up to the bed and wouldn't leave me alone. He also threw in a few whines to make sure I knew he meant business.

- I do not understand how people wear white pants. How do they keep them clean all day?!

I'm Cranky

Well, I guess tomorrow will be Random Thursday because I am just not having a good day today and have a lot to rant about (yeah, this is going to be a long one). I'm sad. I'm 7dpo right now and I am cramping like crazy. Those burny, spreading down my legs cramps that make it obvious that my period is on the way. What makes it even worse is that I think it will be early, right in time for our little cottage getaway weekend. Awesome. My temp dropped again this morning as well so I officially have no hope.

I'm still waiting to hear back from the clinic after my referral was sent in about 3 weeks ago. I'm wondering if they just don't want to see me yet since I am just shy of a year of trying but I would think that they would at least call me and not just ignore the referral. Without knowing how long the wait is to get an appointment, I was hoping that I would be able to book at date and assumed that it would be after the year mark. I am going to give them a call next week, right as we start our 12th cycle and are ever so close to the one year mark.

This morning as I was getting ready for our run, I sat there and just broke down. Why is this so hard? Why can't I do something that I am physically and genetically made to do? Why do I have to fight for everything that I want? When will it be my turn to be happy? I don't understand why this is happening to me.

I am a religious person. I grew up going to church every single week, and still do. Not only do we go to church every week, but J and I both serve in the church every week by teaching other peoples children. I have always lived my life in accordance to the standards of our church, even when I didn't really want to. We pray multiple times a day, we pray every day for a baby, every single day for the past year and still nothing. For the first time in my life, I can't help but roll my eyes when someone talks about how God answers prayers, or that God is mindful of my struggles, or that He will not give me a trial that I cannot handle and overcome, or even that He will comfort me when I need it. For the first time, I am mad at God. I feel alone and not very loved. I feel like I'm struggling with my faith and I'm not sure how to fix it. My natural reaction to figuring things out would be to pray about it but I am seriously lacking the faith that anything will come of any more pleas. I guess I'll just keep on keeping on for now.

It seems that there has been a lot of baby talk around me over the last few days. My neighbour is about to have a baby so my Facebook feed is always full of impatient complaints, declarations of how awesome it is to be a mother, complaints about how awful being 9 months pregnant is, etc. There's also a few people on my Facebook that have a kid and talk about when they will have another. "I'm going to do some stupid activity that I foolishly think everyone on my Facebook cares about on this date, so I guess I will have to wait until the next month to have another baby". Or "We are going to have 7 kids! Better get going on our next baby!" and what drives me nuts is that it will probably work out that way for them. They want to have a baby so...novel idea here....they have a baby! Why won't that work for me? Maybe I need to post on Facebook about the inner workings of my uterus. Maybe they are on to something here. Maybe over sharing, and being self absorbed and immature is the cure to all infertility.

I learned through my sister in law that a girl from church is dealing with infertility and is actually getting treatment from the same clinic I'm wanting to go to. She has been at it for quite a bit longer than we have, as many unfortunately are, and my heart just breaks for her. We are a few weeks away from the year mark, we don't know what the problem is yet, we still have hope that with treatment we will get our baby. I cannot even express how sorry I am for people who even with treatment and procedures still struggle. If I feel as terrible and scared as I do at this point in our journey, I can't imagine how people who are dealing with so much more feel.

Ok, I feel a little bit better. And even though I had an awesome run this morning, I'm loving the weight loss and the shape my body is taking, and I'm not missing evening snacks at all as much as I thought, I am having a massive bowl of ice cream tonight while I watch trashy reality tv.

Oh The Two Week Wait

I ovulated a few days earlier than usual which would usually be exciting but now I am due to start my period on the last day of our little lake getaway weekend. Boo. Fingers crossed that there is a baby in there so that a period won't ruin the weekend! I'm 5 dpo right now and have been having period like cramps, so not only am I pretty sure there's no baby, I'm pretty sure that my LP will be short. Ugh. Still waiting to hear from the clinic and I'm getting impatient. But to make things better, it is almost summer vacation time and I bought a new dress today.

Random Wednesday Again

- I am going to really try to write on here with some more consistency or it will turn into Random Wednesday every post.
- We bought an iPad to replace J's old computer. We kinda love it...a lot...a lot a lot.
- I'm pretty sure I'm ovulating today, 4 days earlier than usual. Yesterday I got the most beautiful positive opk. It was like a super model of opks, perfection. We did this cycle up a little differently, somewhat because I wasn't expecting to ovulate this early. We will only end up with o - 1, o and likely o + 1. That's a big difference from what we usually do (basically at least every other day from about cd8 - cd 15, then every day until I get a temp rise). So it would be really nice if in previous months we were depleting his supply and maybe this month will be different. I'm happy that we have done something different this cycle and it is giving me a tiny bit of hope. Swim little Michael Phelps! Swim!                   
                  
                 
- School is almost out. I am excited to be able to get out and run nice and early and still be able to walk Henry early before it's too hot and before the trail is too crowded
- Hot dogs are so good.
- My neighbour is about to have her baby any day now. That makes me sad for me. I have a suspicion that she started trying to get pregnant when she did because she figured out that we were trying. Originally she posted all over Facebook that they were going to start trying for their second in about 6 months (because posting your unprotected sex plans on Facebook is completely normal apparently). She found out we were trying (by ambushing J and saying that I had told her we were trying, even though I didn't tell her. J assumed that I did tell her and confirmed that we were. I hate her.) and a month later she told me she was pregnant. About 2 months ago she complained to me saying that she was so disappointed that I wasn't pregnant yet because she was really hoping that we would be "knocked up at the same time". Ugh.
- My cousin is getting married in a few weeks and I am really excited to go to her wedding. I have no idea what to wear though so I am going shopping today to see if I can find a fabulous dress.
- I hate toothpaste commercials.